393 Behind the Scenes
by Ikasury
Summary: Timewarp back to a better age, when Aizen was a goldmining-nerfer, Unohana just didn't give a damn about the difference between vertical and horizontal bisection, SoiFong's pissed she lost her good arm, Komamura's all nuzzely, Hitsugaya's seen better days, and everyone else is begging for a drink... a silly look at what's going on behind the scene of Chapter 393..


**A/N:** one, i would like to point out that when i say '393' i mean chapter 393 of the manga, and i realize we're in the 500s by now... so yea, this is WAA-AA-AA-AA-AAY old... but i don't care XD

why am i bothering to post this if its so freakin' ancient? latest manga chaps, that's why... since last week's chap was just more fanservice for my insanity and favorite couple, and these last chaps have just been proving how much SoiFong can flip-the-fuck-out, i went back to re-reading some of my old stuff, and realized that back when she was all 'quiet' and 'cool' and 'unflappable' i was writing crack of her flipping out in the exact same ways... even if its crack, it brings about a 'hmm?' moment...

IRONY! XD

**Dis:** Kubo... blah blah...

ENJOY!

* * *

393 Behind the Scenes…

"My, my…" Unohana sighed deeply as the highly skilled medical Shinigami captain smoothly walked out behind the rumble of some dilapidated and battle torn building. The closest thing Seireitei had to a doctor walked smoothly around the rubble, as if it was not even there obstructing her, as she managed to make her way to a spot behind a few walls, conveniently where the previous spur with Aizen took place.

"MAA-THUR FUCKER!" was it strange that the medic didn't so much as flinch at the rather loud and crass outburst from behind the third wall?

"N-n-now calm down c-captain…" the fumbling voice of another, more than likely, injured person responded, as Unohana was about twenty feet from the wall.

"Don't you fucking 'c-captain' me!" was that a growl in that voice? It sounded rather rough, maybe that was it…

"Maa…" Another voice slurred, "Don't get your panties in a twist chi-" there was a sudden silence as if the man speaking was suddenly cut off from something life threatening. Unohana could only giggle to herself at what that possibly could be. Luckily it didn't take long for the roaring silence to be ended by the obvious 'offender' here.

"Kyouraku, you drunk old perverted bastard!" surprisingly this wasn't even hitting the belt, "If you so much as mention me and 'chibi' in the same sentence again! I'll-" there was the distinct sound of something metallic being clumsily drawn, someone standing up, only to a moment later fall flat back on whatever it was they were sitting on.

"**MOTHER FUCKER!**" insert some inaudible scream here, "I swear to whatever Kami stands above us, as if taking my god-damned arm wasn't enough!"

"Tch," a distinctly younger voice from not far away pouted, "be grateful you only lost an arm…" Unohana could distinctly make out that voice as Hitsugaya-Taichou, that and if her memory served correctly, he was the only one to lose copious limbs in the last standoff against that nerfing sonvabitch, Aizen.

–_Then again_- she paused a moment in her thoughts –_That Vizard girl __**did**__ get cut in half… if only horizontally while Toushiro-kun got nearly cut in twine vertically_- Was it strange that the medic of soul society was lightly comparing sever life threatening injuries? Retsu shrugged –_Of course not…_- before taking up her comfortable pace again.

"Oh whaa," the mocking tone was dreadfully obvious, Unohana had to place a hand over her mouth as she pictured the light captain, lacking an arm no less, making fun of the child-yet-so-serious-captain over something so dreadfully painful. At least psychologically that is, "Mr. I-was-tricked-into-killing-my-own-once-crush-who-tried-to-kill-me-before-over-the-psycho-bastard-I-was-trying-to-kill…"pause, "Ya know, now that I think about it that is kinda fucked up…"

"Says the chick who's in love with a cat…" says the drunk sounding slur of a game loving pervert.

There was the distinct sound of something heavy, probably a rock, being picked up in one hand and chucked rather hard at something… that sounded like flesh… and hard…

"Ohmigawd! Kyouraku-Taichou!"Says a random lieutenant Unohana didn't want to put forth the effort into deciphering the voice of. –_But it has to be a lieutenant, since I don't recognize the voice, no one else is here, and they honestly think a 'rock' would hurt him…_- another giggle at the misery of others from everyone's favorite medic.

"Shut up you drunken lech, I don't want to hear anything outta you!" it finally clicked in the captain of fourth squad's mind that that rather rough, angsty, and surprisingly sarcastic voice was coming out of SoiFong's mouth.

-_Snirk_-

Retsu rounded the corner of the wall just in time to see the Konoichi-captain drop unceremoniously off her feet to land her hindquarters on something covered by her removed haori which was draped over the large… '_thing_'. Unohana could have sworn she heard whatever was under her haori make some kind of '_ooaf_' sound as the tiny Konoichi landed on it. A miserable scowl was covering the distinctly younger woman's face as she sat like a thug on whatever-it-was and waved around the wrapped stump of her arm.

"Goddamnit!" she seemed to glare at her missing arm, then over at Kyouraku's prone body, currently being attended to by the heavily wounded Kira, "you're damn lucky you lech that I don't have my left hand…"

"Why's that?" a particularily bloodied Hisagi stated as he sat crossed legged about five feet across from the 'one-armed-ninja', the look on his face even blanker than usual.

The mentioned Konoichi's dark eyes scanned over to the 69-tattooed man, "Isn't it obvious?" when the remainder of the heavily injured that seem to have pooled in this general area gave her all matching blank looks she retorted back quickly with a short, "I'm left handed…"

Now, it may have been the suddenness of such a bland statement or the fact that it was said so seriously or simply that they all finally keeled over at once due to their injuries, but suffice it to say after that statement the ground was littered in newly individualized human holes.

"You," Yumichika, being the one 'least' injured of the group, and perhaps most anal retentive thanks to his obsession of beauty, pointed at her flatly and stated what they were all thinking, "… are left handed?" a strange brow rose at such an absurd thought.

The Konoichi stared at him blankly, "Yes."

The wind noisily blew through the injured encampment as all tried to process what weird little information they were given.

**_RRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH HHHH…._**

As if the weirdness of this sudden 'reveal' about the konoichi-captain they'd all been working with for _at least_ a century wasn't enough, a large rumbling… '_growl'_ escaped from underneath said captain's hoari. There were about two seconds, one where everyone present just stared at the what-ever-it-was that SoiFong seemed to be keeping hidden under her hoari, or just wasn't really paying attention to… and the second, second for the petite captain to give a measly '_eep!´_ sound, look stricken, and sit still before that '_thing_' she was sitting on shifted, lifting the aforementioned tiny konoichi like nothing, turn around, drag her with it and somehow result in whatever-it-was 'sitting' on top of her…

Or so they all thought with abject horror…

… Then they realized whatever-it-was was actually a giant dog-man named Komamura Saijin…

… Who was '_on top of'_ a significantly smaller SoiFong…

… Holding on to her with his sole arm due to his own fight with that Chinese-goldmining-bastard, Aizen…

… And '_Nuzzling_' into the petite woman's back, seemingly unconsciously, while she looked about to have a panic attack if the amount of twitching her eye was giving off and how red her face was any indication…

Everyone just stared…

"A… Little… Help!" SoiFong squealed out in a harsh 'whisper', trying vainly to keep her voice down in hopes of **not** waking the giant dog-man up… which was completely futile since he seemed completely out of it while '_rubbing_' up against her minuscule form.

There was a soft rumble released from the still unconscious dog-man's throat as his '_rubbing_' went from a little _too_ playful, to downright '_frisky_', his muzzle finding its way to the back of SoiFong's neck and seemingly '_nipping_' her.

There was some inaudible squeal from the midget konoichi that was more embarrassment than anything else, as her sole arm dug its nails into the ground below her and her whole face went red…

"SAJIN! THIS IS **NOT** THE TIME!"

"Huh?" that seemed to have woken the giant red dog-man up, or at least enough for him to stop his '_ministrations_' on the mini-konoichi below him. His ears perked as he raised his head, bleary gold eyes opening in an obvious 'half-asleep' manner as he stared at the gawking crowd around him and SoiFong.

He blinked a moment and tilted his head slightly, "Shaolin, why are there so many people in our bedroom?"

SoiFong's hand met her face as almost everyone's jaw just hit the ground, "Sajin," she took a deep breath, "This isn't the time… or place…"

"Murf," the large humanoid dog made a grunting sound before wrapping his sole arm around the tiny woman and sat up Indian style with her in his lap, and overall covered up by him as he set his head on her shoulder, just glaring at everyone around them just daring them to say something.

SoiFong just sighed deeply, knowing better than anyone that Komamura was completely inconsolable in the various minutes after he's woken up…

The majority of jaws were still on the ground…

"What?" was all the scowling captain of second squad could say to the continued stares…

Ikkaku stared, jaw firmly on the ground…

Iba stared, jaw firmly on the ground…

Yumichika went "Meh," before flipping his hair like a sissy girl and saying while looking at his nails, "Explains a bit I suppose…" his oddly lashed eyes skimmed the 'couple' a moment with condescending eyes before shrugging in his nonchalant way, "Guess she needs a big dog to compensate for that cat…"

Unohana took care to note, and mildly giggle at in a semi-evil fashion in her mind, that if it wasn't for that 'Big Dog' the mini-konoichi would be tearing that featherhead apart, piece-by-piece, at an exceedingly slow rate. How he would wish she'd just double-tapped him with Suzumebachi.

A mumbled cry came from a distinctly feminine voice lying on the ground, arm covering the blonde's face, "Am I dead yet?" was Matsumoto's languished response to this whole ordeal.

"Not by a long shot," stated her almost-not-there mini-captain as his crystalline eyes were just gawking, openly, at the scene, "But if I join you, I think we should ask Enma-O for a drink…"

"Deal…" was her only response.

"Meh…" Hisagi sighed in his overly bored fashion, sitting on the ground and completely ignoring the copious amounts of 'fluid' leaking out of his chest wound as he stared at the apparent 'couple', "s'better then Tousen I guess…" he spoke lowly to himself, "Especially after the whole 'fly-thing' he turned into…"

Kyouraku stared at the bottle of sake that never seemed to leave his hand, looked at the one-armed pair, back at the bottle, back at them, then chugged the bottle for a good ten minutes before letting out a deep sigh, "So, when should we expect puppies?"

**_Krik!_**

Came the sound of another oversized boulder coming upside the drunk captain's head, courtesy of a tiny one-armed-ninja.

"Anybody else… got anything to say… NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!" practically screamed the captive one-armed-konoichi-captain.

When Kira absentmindedly started raising his hand, since his mind had crashed about a good 5 minutes ago like everyone else's, Hisagi did the duty of slapping it down before Kira's mouth caught up with his wayward appendage.

SoiFong scanned the haggard group before her a moment, while simultaneously enjoying the giant-fluffy chair she had courtesy of Komamura, before finishing bluntly, "I didn't think so…"

Moment of silence for coolness effect before…

**_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOMMMMMMMMMM!_**

… A giant wall of fire exploded not too far away from the camp of the dying-or-should-be-dead Shinigami.

Everyone seemed to have jumped up a good couple of inches from the massive explosion of the Captain-Commander's final suicide attack, which conveniently enough happened some distance directly behind the diminutive Konoichi and her apparently possessive dog-man, and with all eyes on them anyway, all the **_other_** Shinigami dying presently got a very good look at the horrendously huge, life-threatening pillar of Dante's Inferno behind them.

The Konoichi's eye merely twitched when all things settled, and Komamura seemed to have fallen back to sleep with his large maw resting on her shoulder, conveniently keeping her in place in his lap.

The silence that ensued was not for the coolness effect…

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?"

… Even if it was epically destroyed like the previous one.

No one really knew who screamed out so uncouthly the question on everyone's mind, even if they all were slightly considering irony as they heard it coming from Mr. Beautiful's corner.

"I believe that was the Soutaichou," mumbled Unohana quietly to herself, and maybe or maybe not purposely out loud. All eyes were immediately on the previously not-known-was-there medic Captain.

* * *

**A/N:** i love Unohana, anyone else notice :3

if there's one captain i can count on to give a 'i don't give a flying fuck' attitude in any situation, it seems to be her... she's here for one job, and ONE! job only! heal all you whining bitches so you can go get your asses kicked again, no exceptions! XD

yea, not my best work, but i did find it funny :3 like i said 'old'...

comments, questions, opposing views?

Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!

-Ikasury

Ps: cookies to anyone that can get the references :3


End file.
